Two Days Later

I was able to sleep for several hours last night and I have resumed eating. The appetite is slowly returning and I'm not eating much, but at least I'm eating.

I have been in email contact with an angel of mercy that I will only identify as "Tobi's Mom". She offered her "ear", and I've been bending it. She's been a big help through all of this. She's now aware of this blog, and I want to thank her here.

I have emotionally lost it about six times today. The breakdowns at noon were very intense, as I mourned the loss of the 2005 Kathleen. The present version of Kathleen is a wonderful woman in spite of my issues with her, but I didn't have the same type of love for her as I did before. It wouldn't have been fair to her to have proceeded to marriage. I would have done so out of "obligation" rather than out of love.

I knew that it was different, and I waited for that initial excitement that I had in 2005 to return. It was exciting when we re-established contact, but when I saw her for the first time in three years it was something of a letdown. I remember us kissing when we were in Old Town Scottsdale, and I couldn't even believe that that was happening. It took me a good three weeks to accept the fact that she was back because it seemed like it was beyond comprehension.

Anyway, there were three intense sessions of emotional wailing today. There were funereal moans, plenty of them, to go along with the tears. My beloved Kathleen of 2005 was finally parted with today, and it had been a long time in coming.

The Kathleen of today is someone who I hold no malice toward. I felt two days ago that she could have forgiven my latest verbal screw-up, and shouldn't have punished me by hanging up the phone last Wednesday night. That made me angry that she did that. It wasn't the first time that she misinterpreted me.

So do I now want her to give me another chance? I don't think I want her to now.

I can't say that I look forward now to this new status quo. I hate loneliness. Oh, the cats are very good company; they're great guys. They've been a big help today. But I sit at home this Saturday evening, alone in my thoughts.

Hindsight's 20/20. If I knew one year ago what I know now, I would have told Kathleen after one month that we weren't going to make it. That concern was there. Yet if I had done that, I might have beaten myself up for not giving it the old college try. There were some good times that followed; I was really glad to have her with me on the Christmas road trip. I really enjoyed introducing her to friends and family. She was one of the few girls that I could take home to Mom and Dad.

I think tonight I'll see if I can catch that program on CBC Radio One. I could play some tunes here at home, but I don't want to associate those with this breakup. So I'll catch some that I don't have in my library.

I could also watch a Hawaii Five-O episode on DVD.

To the Kathleen of 2005: I will always love you. To quote a Bachman-Turner Overdrive song, "Thank you for the feeling".

To the Kathleen of today: I'm very sorry that it didn't work out.

I think the healing has begun.