I was only able to get two hours sleep last night. I'm not sure if I'm in the grief or the anger stage. I read some Psalms from the Bible and felt peace. Then several hours later I'm wondering what I should do next.
This is not the worst thing that's ever happened to me. In October of 1998, I lost a marriage and a job within 24 hours of each other. That took almost two years to get over, and recovery was helped by a relocation to Arizona. I'm still grateful to living here.
I really wish Kathleen would give me another chance, but even if I did get that chance would it be wise to take it? We broke up once before, in March 2005. That was much harder. We had only dated for two months and we were madly in love. Then she got a cancer diagnosis, and broke things off. There were some warning signs. I was offered an "out" twice, maybe three times. I didn't take it. I was smitten with her, and walking six feet off the ground. Then on a Thursday I get a phone call saying it's over. I was in a funk for six months after that. It was nine months before I even had a date where I enjoyed being out on one.
Over the years, I never stopped loving Kathleen. I even had a dream where we got to meet once again....and she got away from me. I did date some good women though. I thought there was potential with Dyanna, but the special connection never did emerge.
Anyway, last year I was on a mini vacation in San Diego county. It was July, on a Saturday, and I'm looking at the ruins of an old structure near the Imperial County line. And I was alone, I had no one to enjoy that with. And I thought of Kathleen. I looked up to the sky and said "Kathleen, wherever you are, I still love you."
On Monday we accidentally discovered each other through an online dating site. I saw her profile. I wasn't sure it was her. She had really aged. But I wrote her, not sure if it was really her. It was her, and she replied. She had been thinking about me too. We talked on the phone. It wasn't cancer that she had. It was lupus. And she nearly died twice during the interim. And she was now back in my life.
Then the next Saturday, we met for the first time in over three years. She had lost three inches of height due to multiple surgeries to repair broken bones sustained in multiple falls. She looked as if she had aged 15 years, due to a lot of "steroid weight" as she called it, falling off. She reminded me of that Vina character in the old Star Trek episode with Captain Pike, where Captain Pike finally sees Vina as she really is. But it was the love of my life who was in front of me. We kissed, and minutes later we were driving up Sunland Gin Road on the way to I-10 on our first date in years, her hand on my thigh. It felt great.
But her appearance was something of a disappointment. I had struggled with that. She had aged, I hadn't (very much anyway) and I felt that I was being tested. Did I really love her to the extent that I would take her back looking like a much older woman? I took her back, and thought that if I gave it time it wouldn't be an issue. I know that her new collection of wrinkles bothered her but I never commented on them. On some days they weren't so bad. On other days I was asking myself what I was getting into.
Other issues were her smoking, and her lack of discipline when it came to money. I don't personally care if someone has a cigarette habit but it was something of an annoyance that would emerge from time to time. The money issue was the other. She was on disability, and also on Social Security. The amount was enough for any reasonable steward of finances to live on. But, she was always running out. One instance was a $400 toy for one of her granddaughters.....does a toy really have to cost $400? I was being asked to chip in for half of that last Christmas, and I didn't like it. I've also had to loan money for plumbing and pool repairs, money that she might have had if she had learned to save. I also spent quite a bit on that trip last month, but I figured that I was showing off a future wife so I didn't ask for any help.
There were some other compatibility issues of a personal nature. We had a lot of discussions on marriage and how things "should be". At first I thought we would get along great. Then I'm finding out that some other things would cause some issues. Her daughter wasn't the greatest in making relationship decisions. I almost broke it off last September out of a concern that I would be spending my retirement savings on babies who were popped out by all of the losers she would hook up with. And that brought up a concern.....how did she really raise her daughter? Some parents do well and still have offspring who disappoint them, so would it have been fair for me to jump to that kind of conclusion?
And I'll confess, I almost broke things off last April (or maybe it was May) due to Kathleen's lack of financial discipline. My ex was talented at maxing out credit cards. Kathleen's credit rating is at the low end. She's had to take out "payday" loans before to make ends meet. She did finally get the last one paid off a couple of months ago, but I was not comfortable in accompanying her to those places when she had to make a payment. That was cause of great concern.
So, even though I feel as if she should give me another chance, would things work out if I took it? We could work out some things with relationship counseling. I would be for all that, as that even if we still could not have a relationship after such counseling then maybe I wouldn't be as upset about things as I am now.
Another question is, is should I even be upset at all? Did this breakup happen because God has it in mind to protect me from something down the road that I can't handle? I sometimes think that Kathleen's only got five years on the planet left. I was preparing for the possibility of a short marriage to her. Could I have handled that? Could I have handled watching her physical condition prematurely deteriorate? Early on in our resumption of the relationship last year I had a panic attack about this, but got over it. Hell, do I even know if I'm going to be around five years from now?
I do realize that I was depressed about the way things appeared to be going with this last month. Maybe we shouldn't have gone on that trip.
Should I even be upset at all? Clearly I was in love with one person in 2005 and that same person in 2009 wasn't really the same person.
I am grateful that I got another chance of this. I think maybe I stayed in it since I felt I owed it to God for giving us that chance.
(in case you were wondering, Kathleen doesn't know about this blog, and won't.)
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