One of the several aggravations that life presents us with is unfortunately, those people who most of regard as only slightly better than child molesters, and those people are called "telemarketers". They have been an annoyance to anyone who has ever possessed a telephone number, and even though there are now a lot more laws and regulations on the book that regulate their activity, the reality is that the bastards will still call you even if you've taken the time and trouble to get yourself on the "Do Not Call" list.
So tonight's commentary is going to be one method to deal with them. I really wish that I could claim credit for this as being one of my original ideas. The thing of it is, is that I can't. What I am about to pass along to you was inspired by a column written by the late Mike Royko, and my recollection is that he wrote about this sometime in 1987. I filed it away in my memory, and it wasn't jogged until a telemarketer cold called me at 7:00 AM sometime in the first half of 1992 when I was working for Lockheed in Sunnyvale.
I first thought it was my good friend Chip calling me up, but when I answered it was some fellow from Shearson Lehman American Express instead, and judging from his accent, he was not someone who grew up in North America.......not that it mattered really, unless he was inexperienced in dealing with North Americans such as myself who frequently suffer from a sense of humor.
Anyway, I don't remember the guy's name, but when he introduced himself and stated why he was calling, a light went on in my head as I was remembering what Mr. Royko had written some five years earlier. He wanted to know if I was interested, so I indicated that yes, I wanted to hear more. The result of course, was that scripted speech of what a great investment opportunity would await me if I were to consider using the services of Shearson Lehman American Express. I was treated to a rundown of what their return on equity of the previous five years had been, followed by the obligatory disclaimer that past performance was of course not a guarantee of future performance. I patiently waited for the canned speech to end, as that I knew exactly what I was going to say once he reached the end of it. It seemed to go on and on like someone taking fifteen minutes to tell a bad joke, but he eventually came to the end, and asked me what I thought.
I responded with "This sounds really good. I'd like to invest one million dollars."
There was a pause.
Then he said something to indicate that he wasn't sure that he had heard me correctly.
I came back with "You heard me. I'd like to invest one million dollars, with one condition". I was for the first time in my life, applying Mr. Royko's idea. I wasn't sure what the reaction was going to be, but that didn't matter as that I was having some fun.
"What condition is that?"
It was at that point that I repeated what Mr. Royko had suggested.
"If my investment fails, then you agree to kill yourself."
A pause. A pause of about two seconds. A pause long enough to where the gentleman from Shearson Lehman American Express was processing what he had just heard. A pause that was long enough to give me time to wonder whether or not he was going to take me seriously. And a pause short enough to where I could keep myself from busting up laughing over what I had just said. A pause that was followed up by his response.
"Mr. Mosier! One does not bet one's life on an investment!"
I then thought, he fell for it! He fell for it! He took me seriously!
Then came my response.
"Well why not? Do you have any idea how hard I had to work for this million dollars?" I also stated something to the effect that if I was going to invest this million dollars with a firm that had a good track record like his, that I expected a return on my investment that he was willing to guarantee to the point of killing himself if my investment were to fail for some reason. While I was rambling on about this, he kept saying over and over "time out" and when I got done, I waited for his next statement.
"Mr. Mosier?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you very much for your time." He hung up. That was it. That was the end of the conversation about investing, and I never heard from Shearson Lehman American Express ever again.
I have no idea if the gentleman ever discussed this with his supervisor or his co-workers. There is no way of knowing if anyone he knew at that firm suggested to him that he was the victim of a joke, or the victim of someone messing with his mind. I think I'm reasonably sure though, that no one had ever suggested to him that he agree to kill himself if the investment failed, and I'm reasonably sure that he would remember the conversation if he were to be reminded of it.
In the years since, I have had several other telemarketers call me. I have used other means to deal with them......some that were not as laughable, and one instance that I'm not sure that I would ever want to recount to anyone. I'm not getting junk calls like I used to, with the exception of those years in which we are having an election, in which case I am inundated with "robocalls" that defy the kind of interaction that I had with the gentleman from Shearson Lehman American Express.
So tonight's commentary is going to be one method to deal with them. I really wish that I could claim credit for this as being one of my original ideas. The thing of it is, is that I can't. What I am about to pass along to you was inspired by a column written by the late Mike Royko, and my recollection is that he wrote about this sometime in 1987. I filed it away in my memory, and it wasn't jogged until a telemarketer cold called me at 7:00 AM sometime in the first half of 1992 when I was working for Lockheed in Sunnyvale.
I first thought it was my good friend Chip calling me up, but when I answered it was some fellow from Shearson Lehman American Express instead, and judging from his accent, he was not someone who grew up in North America.......not that it mattered really, unless he was inexperienced in dealing with North Americans such as myself who frequently suffer from a sense of humor.
Anyway, I don't remember the guy's name, but when he introduced himself and stated why he was calling, a light went on in my head as I was remembering what Mr. Royko had written some five years earlier. He wanted to know if I was interested, so I indicated that yes, I wanted to hear more. The result of course, was that scripted speech of what a great investment opportunity would await me if I were to consider using the services of Shearson Lehman American Express. I was treated to a rundown of what their return on equity of the previous five years had been, followed by the obligatory disclaimer that past performance was of course not a guarantee of future performance. I patiently waited for the canned speech to end, as that I knew exactly what I was going to say once he reached the end of it. It seemed to go on and on like someone taking fifteen minutes to tell a bad joke, but he eventually came to the end, and asked me what I thought.
I responded with "This sounds really good. I'd like to invest one million dollars."
There was a pause.
Then he said something to indicate that he wasn't sure that he had heard me correctly.
I came back with "You heard me. I'd like to invest one million dollars, with one condition". I was for the first time in my life, applying Mr. Royko's idea. I wasn't sure what the reaction was going to be, but that didn't matter as that I was having some fun.
"What condition is that?"
It was at that point that I repeated what Mr. Royko had suggested.
"If my investment fails, then you agree to kill yourself."
A pause. A pause of about two seconds. A pause long enough to where the gentleman from Shearson Lehman American Express was processing what he had just heard. A pause that was long enough to give me time to wonder whether or not he was going to take me seriously. And a pause short enough to where I could keep myself from busting up laughing over what I had just said. A pause that was followed up by his response.
"Mr. Mosier! One does not bet one's life on an investment!"
I then thought, he fell for it! He fell for it! He took me seriously!
Then came my response.
"Well why not? Do you have any idea how hard I had to work for this million dollars?" I also stated something to the effect that if I was going to invest this million dollars with a firm that had a good track record like his, that I expected a return on my investment that he was willing to guarantee to the point of killing himself if my investment were to fail for some reason. While I was rambling on about this, he kept saying over and over "time out" and when I got done, I waited for his next statement.
"Mr. Mosier?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you very much for your time." He hung up. That was it. That was the end of the conversation about investing, and I never heard from Shearson Lehman American Express ever again.
I have no idea if the gentleman ever discussed this with his supervisor or his co-workers. There is no way of knowing if anyone he knew at that firm suggested to him that he was the victim of a joke, or the victim of someone messing with his mind. I think I'm reasonably sure though, that no one had ever suggested to him that he agree to kill himself if the investment failed, and I'm reasonably sure that he would remember the conversation if he were to be reminded of it.
In the years since, I have had several other telemarketers call me. I have used other means to deal with them......some that were not as laughable, and one instance that I'm not sure that I would ever want to recount to anyone. I'm not getting junk calls like I used to, with the exception of those years in which we are having an election, in which case I am inundated with "robocalls" that defy the kind of interaction that I had with the gentleman from Shearson Lehman American Express.
Unfortunately I don't have an amusing method to deal with the "robocalls".
* * * * * * *
I am pleased to report that eHarmony is no longer crashing the browser. Perhaps sending in those error reports to Microshaft, excuse me, Microsoft, helped with ending that.
However, I think I've exhausted all of the Arizona and southern California matches, as that my new matches seem to be coming from Colorado and El Paso, Texas. I guess I'll have to start dialog with those out of state women.
* * * * * * *
Work is going real well. I have decided against posting anything about corporate activity or politics. My situation is extremely good there, but the less I say about what's going on the better that everyone else will be. I will say that I am a candidate for promotion next year.
* * * * * * *
I'm having a lot of fun with this blog. I may not be posting for the next few days; I have transitioned to a "new normal", and I will likely be on the dance floor the next few nights.
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